Don't Began Love Before Its Time...
She was a teenager. She always had an interest in boys, I mean it's only natural right? God made us creatures of procreation. This young lady would always have a guy who she really crushed on but he seemed to never show interest back. The guy crushes would make it clear that this young ladie's attributes such as her curves, her waistline and all her body parts would never go unnoticed, but never her character or her personality. This young lady deeply cared about showing them her heart. So from elementary school to middle school, she'd secretly crush on guys hoping at least one would notice her one day. One day in elementary, she noticed one of her hugest crushes which happen to seem to be everybody's crush was holding a conversation to another guy about her. He asked another young man, would he? As far as the question, the young lady hoped that he was asking would this other young man date her. But as the adult I am, I know this young man was not asking about dating lol.
The young lady had wishful thinking. The young lady would crush on guy after guy who showed her interest or was handsome.
In middle school, she saw a guy. She crushed on him. This guy was the "new cute guy" that everybody noticed. She worked up courage from a place of the unknown lol. She began to get this guys attention. She began to have him walk her to class. She'd grab his arm and have him walk her to class until it became ritual for him. From this young ladies pursuit, she entered her first relationship. This relationship lasted for the rest of the school year. This guy was her first love, her first kiss and the first person to show her that there was more to the female body than what she thought she knew. These two didn't have sex at that time, but she and him did things that sooner or later would have led up to it. They never had the chance to since they were only teens and the school year ended. They went their seperate ways with not much closure, but this young lady was very sad.
This young lady entered high school and lost her virginity to a guys she genuinely didn't care for that much. She did it because everyone else was doing it.
One day in a music class, as a freshman she was surrounded by juniors and seniors. They were all talking about their experiences being sexually involved. One girl overindulged in her conversation about her being addiction of spicy food as she carried a child in her belly. As they all conversed, and went around sharing their stories, everyone looked at her. She told them she hadn't done it before and told them she was a freshman. They were all shocked and laughed telling her how she was a baby, how she needed to cover her ears and jokingly made it seem as if she was missing out. This young a lady was already curious and desired it but just didn't connect with anyone like she did with the "cute new guy" in middle school. She met someone and just went for it and allowed it to take place. She didn't love this guy. After that experience she became drawn to him. But the guy was emotionally unavailable. That ended, once again with not much closure. Even though she didnt love this guy, she still expected more from him. I mean she did give herself to him. He at least owed her something. That ended and it didnt end well for her. She was confused as to how this guy would be rude to her at times. That situation didnt last and this girl just felt concerned but disengaged at the same time. Welp, you lose you one, you gain another eventually. That's the kind of broken mindset she had.
She knew a young man 5 times her age. He was an okay guy. She knew of him for years. He'd chill on the block she grew up on. She didn't crush on him then, until one day, he was released from jail. They shared a long hug that I believe shocked the both of them lol. This guy was a legal adult. After multiple encounters she began to crush on him hard. They would mess around and after a while, this young lady believed deep down she was in love with him. They would sneak around and spend time together. They would have sex, talk, laugh, and smoke together. This young man was caught in this young lady's room by her mother and from that point he was sent to back jail. This crushed this girl because she genuinely cared for him. This young lady found out, he was calling another young lady from jail which was supposed to be his girlfriend. She couldn't do much, since they were sneaking around and was a secret to some. But this young ladie's heart was broken. She was forced to end this with a broken heart and once again no closure. They tried to mess around again once he got out, but the girl got a bit wiser and wanted something more. So she cut it off. They'll be another, she already had someone in mind at the time. Hey you lose one, you'll get another eventually.
This young lady began to try and move on with other guys, but this time around, they would all seem to just break up with her or leave with no closure.
Some guys cheated, some guys just didn't care much. One guy wrote her a letter and she went home on the bus from school in tears. One guy sent another girl to tell her he didnt want to be with her anymore. A couple days later. She was on a bus ride home and the same guy she was broken up with, had a girl on his lap. She felt betrayed.
She found herself building a brick wall over her heart. She'd take some bricks down to let people in but there was always a safeguard around it to never let anyone in to those deep parts of her.
At 19, she met someone at a club. She spent about a year and a half with this person and developed deep feelings for this guy. The love was reciprocated for the most part. These two were inseparable. But she knew this guy would step out on her from time to time but after all she's been through, this was the best of the best as long as she didn't know. She cared so she'd confront him from time to time but for the most part, she was on his social media account in almost evry picture so hey, she had her #1 spot on his life. This girl was a year in when she found out she had an STD. She never stepped out on the relationship. Thank God the STD was curable. She got her medication. Eventually this young lady moved 6 hours away to help her disabled mother. This girl had a plan and believed they were so close and the love was so strong that they could last. They could visit each other and stay connected. This girl received a good amount of money and she sent it this guy so he could come see her. He never did. He took the money and spent it. She could never keep in contact with him. Months later he had a baby on the way. This guy was already in a relationship before she left to go help her mom. The relationship ended with no closure, it was a familiar feeling of no closure.
With every situation this young lady became a new person. This time she decided to start school, meet some new people in the new city she was in. She met some classmates and even noticed a guy crushing on her. At home she stumbled across a man of God's social media profile. She slid in his dms and told him she liked his profile. From that day on, they talked and talked every single day and every single chance they could. Video chats, social media, text apps and face to face twice. He told her he loved her first. They were inseparable. They spent a lot of time talking about God. They also spent too much idle time feeding their insecurities, their damage, their hurts, their fears, their immaturity having phone sex. They would "repent" to do it again days later. The last time they did it. The guy told her they needed a break. A month later the young lady thought that eventually they would come back together to only see him posting pictures with another woman on Facebook. She was cut off guard. It was the most confusing thing ever! Like, how do you from telling someone you love them to "we need a break". That made her feel worthless. The guy would talk to her again soon after to only tell her about the other woman. He would go on about her being a virgin. This made this young lady feel like she wasn't worthy to be loved.
Once again, this young lady left in the dark, with no closure.
This young lady just had to focus on school. A new semester began and on the 1st day of school she entered a classroom only to find seats left in the back of the classroom. As she headed to the back, a guy approached her to sit next to him and escorted her to a seat by him. The guy pursued her to no end. He wanted to be with her. She turned this guy down time and time. But he was consistent. She wasn't interested but she admired his pursuit because for once this was actually her being pursued, it was different. She developed a life of celebacy, but 10 months later, she was pregnant with her first child. She just wanted one night of pleasure. One night to feel like her old self again. This young lady began to feel broken. Since she broke her celibacy vow, she noticed the difference in his pursuit. She noticed how he withdrew. It frightened her. She didn't want to feel that disconnected with no closure. She began to have sex a bit more and more because she was afraid of feeling that anxiety and depression and weight of another broken relationship. She found evidence of cheating early on in her pregnancy, but she stayed because she didn't want to raise a kid in seperate homes. She knew what it felt like to live in a separate home. Her mother and father split before she was brought in this world. Her father wasn't around to see her birthed.
When her baby turned one years old, she broke up with the guy because she was consistently cheated on and that closure stung. It was extremely hard for her. To call it off, she couldn't tell him, she wrote him a letter. She had no job, still living with her mother. Her mother was disabled. No extra family in this city. Her younger brother was about 10 years old, her older brother was in prison.
She had a hard time adjusting to motherhood. She was consistently judged and ridiculed about her mothering. She had a hard time showing love to her child. She felt her support system was the type she needed for her at that time. Her child had a great father, but she didnt have him for a great relationship.
She just felt the need to just be alone. Focus on raising her son. A year of being single, she ran across someone she thought was a friend she met in college. This guy was a crush before she met her child's father. He began to share that he crushed on her for a while. She thought since they had been friend since college, that this could possibly be something real. Her not being wise he opened her heart to him in a time where she could see clear as day that he was broken. He was still involved with his ex but not only her, multiple women including her. For some reason this one really hurt her. She really fell for him. She gave her body to him. She also needed support, but he wasn't mentally, emotionally or physically available for that. She had to break it off. This time, she made sure she got her closure at least by making it clear that what ever that was wasn't for her.
This was a times of self reflection for her.
Why does she keep ending up hurt, broken, confused, misused, and left with more reasons not to trust men?
Because love began before it's time. When love begins before God plans, we always end up in a counterfeit situation. We also bring so much damage into our hearts that if real love was staring you in the face, you can't recognize the real.
For the next two years this young lady, now young woman, had to discover God,herself and heal.
She did just that.
This young lady learned so much.
This young lady is the author of this blog.
Yup, yours truly SaneeshaF
I recently found myself trying to get involved in a relationship. I believe 2 years is a good time to heal right? I think it is. But sometimes our thoughts and actions aren't God's wants and plans for us. I find it very difficult to love. I find it very difficult to trust. I find that I am still yet not fully healed. There are some areas God is still working with me on. I was opening myself up to date and love. God never told me, I basically told Him this is what I'm going to do. I found myself carrying negative patterns I've seen in my family.
The reason we need to be careful is because even when its the right one, the timing can damage that relationship because of our hearts needing to heal. I'm unsure of myself at times. I have to rely in God more than I can possibly imagine.
Because I chose my relationships and gave people the time of day that I shouldn't as a younger woman, it's hard to see pure love. The purest form of love is God Himself. And if you can't see the Father as your father and as just enough, it's going to be even harder to see love through His eyes and not damage. How do I know?
Because I'm living proof of the damage I imposed and some that was my portion.
What I mean by that is some damage is written in your story. I couldn't choose my earthly father. I couldn't choose him to be there for my welcoming into the world at birth. I couldn't choose him not to be as present as I would have liked. But I will not allow myself choose hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness and pain to distort how I view him or feel about him. Recently, I've felt myself go back into that place of hurt. My father is still alive and I can see him from time to time and I see his interactions on social media. At times it can get hard to stay free.
Two years ago, I freed myself from the issues that come with a father wound. But I have picked the key back up, walked myself back into the cell and locked it behind me because of unforeseen circumstances.
I can't allow my past to dictate the right kind of love I desire. I allowed myself to turn into a person who once held on to love to now not just letting go but picking it up, tying a huge boulder around and throwing it into a river to let it sink, until it dissolves. All while on the outside I move forward, but on the inside I'm still hurting.
I have to be filled with the love of God and not rely on other people to supply only what God can give. I want do attract the love of God in a man. He has to be filled with His love also. I want us to attract spiritually.
The best thing you can do is be patient.
The best you can do is develop yourself in the Lord.
The best you can do is to be content
The best thing you can do is not rush your healing process.
The best thing you can do is rest
When you allow the best things
God will give you the best
You won't have to look for it
You won't have to feel you have to do some things first
You won't have to compromise
You won't be in fear
You won't doubt
When love is true, God will prepare you for it. Let Him finish His work in you. Let love be brought in the right timing.
I've desired love before I knew what or WHO it was. Because of that, I fell for counterfeit after counterfeit. Why? Because of my brokenness and lack of identity.
If you know who you are, let your maker heal your brokenness.
How do you know you're healed? It doesn't hurt anymore. I have another blog post titled, How To Heal. Check it out.
I appreciate you for reading this post
I pray it encourages
I pray it gives you perspective
I pray you see that we all have some work to do and the only one that can truly heal
Love you, stay on our course.