This is a huge issue.
This blog post will go into my story of the damages I've experienced and the path of how I got through and began to trust again. It will help you understand how to trust again and be realistic about the process of trusting people and yourself.
I was with a boyfriend. He was called to go in to the back office to get a drug test done at his probation office. The rules to see the probation officer, were that those on probation, couldn't take their phones to the back office. So before I knew it, my ex sat up, placed his phone in my hand and went in the back office. He must have thought he was good because he had a code on his phone. As he placed his phone in my hand and I looked at it, I was taken back to a couple months ago.
I had moved to Fresno for 2 years. He came to visit me and attend my senior prom with me. The night of my prom I had never felt so beautiful. I felt like the prettiest woman ever. I was so happy that he got to see me in that light. I was very classy, my natural hair was crinkled and flowed side to side with every whip of my head as it hung low touching almost the middle of my back. My dress was strapless and my arms were the perfect size as I noticed all my hard work from juicing grapefruits and riding my bike around with plastic wrap all over to slim down and get fit for prom. My coffin shaped nails matched my gold colored feet and they both matched the shimmer on my dress. He looked at me with amazement and the entire night he danced with me and told me how beautiful I was. The crazy thing is we didn't even have sex that night. Yes I was sexually active at a young age. The night was perfect because I felt we bonded on a deeper level. We had known each other for years. We dated almost a year when we were both 14-15 years old. We were middle school sweethearts. He was my first love. When he agreed to go to prom with me, I was extremely happy. The next day after prom. I remember days before, he told me his code pattern on how to unlock his phone. The day after prom he went to my brothers room to play a game with him. His phone was near me. I put in the code and my heart began to sink. There were messages I read that torn me. From what I read, I was a cousin he was going of town to see. I saw the same song he dedicated to me being sent to someone else. I saw many things that broke my heart.
As I sat in the probation office months later with the same phone, I knew he had to change the code due to the last experience. I attempted to put it in and it successfully opened. I saw pictures of him with other girls, not only of him with them but them actually involved with each other. If you know what I mean. Once he came back, I confronted him as we headed back to his place. He tried to lie but the proof of it being recent was a beanie I got for him that I had recently gave him, he had on in some of the pics.
Not only did he lie, he smiled and chuckled as I looked at him with teary eyes. That hurt me worse then seeing what I saw in his phone. There was no empathy, no regret, no sense of care about how I felt. I left him, sad to say, not immediately but days later, even then I never looked back.
I haven't only been let down once by someone I thought loved me or I thought I deeply loved, but I've been let down more than I count on both my hands. I've been hurt, betrayed, let down, misused, taken advantage of, and wounded multiple times even by the same people. I understand the pain of having your trust depleted.
That was not the last time I'd found myself in a position of being lied to and stepped out on. In every relationship I've had, I've been cheated on.
I began to look at myself. I asked myself and God, why do I not seem to find true love? Why am I always found left to pick up pieces of my life while others usually have someone else to fall back on. It seemed people would take peices of me and share it with someone else and leave sitting in the middle of an empty road having to use dirt and water to fill the empty pieces of myself.
I'd fill the empty peices but eventually the filling wouldnt last and they'd decompose and my wounds would be shown to others.
That's how hurt does. Hurt is something we will always feel. Hurt is physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional. No matter what we do, we will experience it and it will be pretty often. It will be present more than we want to experience it. It is apart of the world we live in.
With hurt comes lack of trust. Lack of trust causes you to not allow yourself to feel and experience love.
Many people including myself went through or are in a state of not receiving the love of God because of our lack of trust.
I was reading my bible one day and I read something about the people of Israel not being about to enter their land of promise because of their unbelief. Check out Hebrews Chapter 3. You can google it. I remember reading something else about Christ not being able to do certain things because of other people's unbelief. Check out Mark Chapter 9. Tears began to swell up in my eyes and I asked God to help my unbelief.
I needed some things. I needed more than what my eyes could see. I had alot of damage. It was so hard for me to trust people. I trusted my bubble. God Himself couldn't get past my bubble.
I began a process. I had to renew my mind. I began watching videos on YouTube and listening to podcasts. I began purchasing books specifically about dating.
It's funny how you think you are headed in one lane and you're cleaning up that lane, but as you clean up one lane, God will open doors in the hallway and helping you go in and clean those areas too.
The initial thing is honesty. You know where you've been, you know the feelings you have and you know where you want to go.
You may have had high hopes in love and partnership. But now you are feeling, all men are dogs. Yet you know you want true love from a man that loves and supports you. But you can't see that because of the damage of your past and how you feel due to the past. The desire is still there, but its masked by lack of trust and now you're guarded.
You may have had ideas to be an entrepreneur. You've tried multiple businesses or you researched how to start one and you got discouraged. You look at your past, no one in your family had a business. Or maybe they do but they have never shown you the ropes of how to start. You look at your upbringing and how poverty struck your household. Now you're feeling you cant do it. But you know you do not want to be stuck on a 9 to 5 for the rest of your life with no freedom to do what you need to do.
You may want to join a church, but the way you've seen people act in church or your family who's faithful in church members act, it makes you feel like there's no point. They have you feeling disappointed. But the desire for godly fellowship is there.
There is true love that is accessible and available, there are major opportunities for entrepreneurs right now, there are kingdom minded churches that are waiting to welcome you. It is about shifting your mindset.
You have to be honest about where you are. If you feel a way, honesty is only how you come to terms with you. It's sobering and that's a great thing. The judgements that matter are the ones we impose on ourselves and God's judgment. Other people's outlook on you when it is damaging, should never hold weight.
I had to become honest with God about my lack of belief. There's areas in our lives that we have to become honest about.
Honesty - with honesty comes communication.
Communicate with you.
Talk to you.
Pray for you.
You need love, you need affection, you need trust, you need freedom, you need wealth, you need transparency, you need forgiveness, you need help.
When you begin to work on you, your outlook will shift. Who you attract will shift. The decisions you make will shift.
You will begin to trust your choices. You'll begin to trust the plans of God for your life. You'll begin to trust others.
With trusting others. You have to trust that they can hurt you. But that person should not damage your character or feelings. Misinterpretations, miscommunications, and misunderstandings happen. That is why we all must work on talking WITH each other and not AT each other.
Go to counseling to help you with you.
Go to God in prayer on help and guidance.
Go to people who gives support (but don't overwhelm them with your issues)
Read the bible, it gives you direction.
Give yourself Grace to grow and learn. The right people will give you mercy and Grace as well.
I had been having alot anxiety about a relationship. The moment I fasted and begin to look up scripture about trust. I prayed and cried and asked God to help me trust Him with who He set me up to be with. And I dreamed that night.
It was chaotic, but God made me seem invisible in the choas. I escaped with nothing but God took the wheel of a car that I had no keys to and got me out. The dream of course was full of clues and other meanings but that night I prayed I read scriptures about trust and God came quickly to speak to me. In the car he played a song that I hadn't heard since I was about 7 or 8. It was a gospel song. And its words were:
No matter what's going on
He'll make it alright
But you gotta stay strong
The song played in my dream as I woke up I immediately went to YouTube to listen. Just recently I went to help out a friend and the song played in the background and it was comforting.
God will reveal himself in many ways. He will help you trust again. You have to communicate with Him about you. It may seem as if it far fetched or off topic but it will lead you to the path of trusting again after heart break. In order to have love, you have to deal with issues of the heart.
I asked God for a specific dream about a relationship and He's given me 2 confirmations and subtle knowings in my spirit. I'm still waiting on Him and taking my time because the damage of my past still tries to rise up. I've shifted my mindset to trust. If there is no reason not to trust, then I will not allow it to be. If there is an issue I'm going to go to that person to understand not to confront in a harsh way. And when I fall short, which I will, there should be a door of reconciliation. Sometimes reconciliation doesn't mean you have to be with someone. And in some cases, it does. When learning to trust after heart break, taking your time, spending time with God and being focused is major because you don't want to end up in a cycle once again. When you include God in all your ways, even when things dont work out, your trust in God won't fail. It may get shaky, but you learn to not trust in a man more than you do God. You know that God will give you what you need at the time you need it.
Understand that hurt is possible and it will happen, but it should not damage your well being, your character or your loved ones. People are flawed and hurt is found in every relationship, whether friendships, romantic, personal or professional.
You can trust and have disagreements.
You can trust and have misunderstandings
You can trust after heartbreak
Give yourself time with you and learn to love you first. Receive the love of God so you can have access to things you may not even think you're prepared for. When God is the priority, He is the preparation because He will begin opening the doors to rooms in you that lead to the access you desire.
I pray this blog has blessed you and I pray healing and transformation over your life.
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